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| self portrait 2012 graphite on paper |
Hello hello- easter monday- also the title of one of my favorite dekooning paintings. if you don't know it, look it up- it's glorious, and today was a beautiful relaxing day, the weather was gorgeous and alex and i even went to church! pretty good for an atheist who believes that organized religion is responsible for alot of the misery in the world. i don't know why we went, it just seemed like a good thing to do on easter. i sat there, remembering the many childhood hours i spent in that very church, not feeling particularly spiritual, more like nostalgic, and kind of looking around me in wonder at the people who really believed all that stuff, and wondering if they even thought about it, or just did it out of habit- i probably think about it more than they do. i mean there's a part of me who really wants there to be a god, who wants to believe in jesus but there's another bigger part of me that believes that believing in god is like believing in santa claus- nice when you're six or so but absolutely out of the question once you become truly aware of being alive and all that it entails... i would love to believe in god, that there's a heaven just waiting for me up there in the clouds, as long as i'm a decent loving human being i.e. "a good person", but somehow i can't reconcile it with the reality of life as i've known it, and sadly, the facts point otherwise -to life as a kind of brief interlude of consciousness to which we are privy, after which the lights go out, and we return to wherever and whatever we were before we were born. is that just as ridiculous as believing in god? i guess i'll never know. for now though i have a life to live, and a present to enjoy as much as i choose to, and just lately i choose to enjoy it a great deal. cheers,brigid.
