Out with the old, in with the new.

I haven't written in a long time, I mean to but laziness and life gets in the way. Now as the year is ending I feel I need to write something. For a long time I've had nothing to say, but lately perhaps with the advent of my 60s I feel closer to death that I have in a long time, and I want to find something to believe in after all these years. For a long time I've been an atheist but now it seems I want something more. I can't believe that it all ends with death and that my consciousness will not continue. I want to believe in an afterlife in something beyond this life that we have here on earth. I don't know what this means, but my intention is to make this year a voyage of discovery, to try to regain some of the spirituality I once had. I want to return to the time of my youth when I felt such hope that we could change the world. In spite of the horrors that we faced,the draft ,the Vietnam war Kent state and Richard Nixon, we believed that we could change the world and make it a better place. I still believe that to some extent, and the young people of my daughters generation show a commitment to changing the world that they are not often given credit for. They have hope for the future and they are often denigrated as a lazy selfish self-centered generation. I do not believe this is so. Some of them surely, as such as  some of us were ,but on the whole I see a generation that cares about the world and cares about making it a better place. They face great odds and the world is not a friendly place for them to exist in. There are no jobs ,housing is expensive and wages have not risen to meet the demands of inflation. And yet they are hopeful. They are gifted, creative, and intelligent, and they need our help to succeed, so let's give them all that we've got in terms of wisdom and financial support. For me I see this year as a journey of discovery .I intend to explore all that I can through reading ,experiences ,and meditation and any other options I find available to serve me in my quest for greater spirituality and a better understanding of the meaning of life. Wish me luck. Namaste, May Allah  be with you,  God bless. And may the wind be  always at your back

For Seannie

Today would have been your 58th birthday. I can't believe you've been gone for ten years. I can't believe you're gone at all. I still say to myself quite frequently, Sean would love this, or I  can't wait to tell Sean about this...Where are you little brother? Do you see us, hear us, know how much we love you, and would give anything to have you back? Courtney is a lawyer now and she misses you fiercely. I don't see Dig very often but I know how much she misses you. I miss your face , your smile,your sense of humor, your astounding intelligence. I miss your voice your music,hell I  even miss your hair. I miss having you next door to me. I miss your help, your kindness, your loyalty and generosity of spirit. I miss talking to you , and you calling me Briddy. I just miss everything about you, my brother, my old friend. Remember sitting at the top of the steps to the cellar, before one of Ger  and Marg's parties? Remember Mateus? Remember living on Midland with Kath and Charlyn, and Una and Jada and dressing up in one of my suits at one of our parties? You were the most beautiful woman there. Remember your jeep and how Willie painted the dashboard? Remember when you and Diggy stayed with us for awhile -both of you sleeping on that non pull out couch? And all the good times we had at Pt. Pleasant ,both when we were kids and when we were grownups? I could go on forever, the memories just keep flooding back. Thank you for all that you were and all that you did for me. I will never ever forget it, or how much you mean to me.Never ever. Happy birthday love,I hope we meet again, I  love you forever,Briddy.

Losing our way

If we lost ourselves
how long would it take
to be found again,and just
how far can we go
before it's too late
to come back again
too late to say I'm sorry,
too late to make amends.

if we lost our way
could we really
just retrace our footsteps,
come back again
as if nothing had happened:
no suicides
no broken hearts
no forgotten hopes
no bitterness?
U
I'm thinking
there's always a price to pay,
something to lose,
for every bit of happiness


something that changes forever
each and every time
we lose our way.

but then again
let's be optimistic.
let hope spring eternal,
let god  be in his heaven,
and all right with the world.
oh no,I don't believe that,
not for one minute,
no matter how hard I try
no matter how long
I hold my breath
no matter how long I live
there's just the coming and going,
the living and dying,
the eternity
of losing our way.

E

Autism Awareness

I must have accidentally erased this post,so I'll have to write it again.
As the mother of two sons on the autistic spectrum ,autism is never far from my mind. When my oldest son was diagnosed with autism I fell into a despond I don't think I've ever climbed back out of. My sons are beautiful,funny,sweet and I love and accept them as they are. I know,I know they are special with different unusual abilities etc.etc.,but I can't help the fact that their experiences with life are limited by their disabilities; I know I'm in Holland not Italy, and that they give me a love and joy that differently abled people don't possess. I also can't help feeling sad and a bit jealous as the kids of friends and family members grow up without the difficulties my sons encounter .Difficulties we did everything in our power to overcome for the past 25 years,with limited results.At 25 my younger son cannot speak to communicate his desires, and my older son at nearly 27 wants nothing more than to be "normal", like the people he sees around him. I know they are not junkies or convicts,and that they live their lives without self pity,but with enormous frustration. Imagine having to hold somebody's hand to walk out the door,or seeing other people do things effortlessly, that are so hard for you to articulate, never mind do, of never being able  to express properly anything you want to say, of constantly needing reassurance that you're okay,  everything will be all right.(Okay we all feel that last one, but I don't think as desperately). My sons are heroes, who live in a world that was not built for them,and they do so with an unconscious courage.
I have to say at this point that I have had the pleasure of watching my daughter grow into the gracious,beautiful, intelligent young woman that she is, with all the usual milestones,complicated by growing up with her brothers, who she loves, respects and is generally patient with.( They are her annoying older brothers.)Still I can't help but wish sometimes that they too had the opportunities she and so many more of us enjoy.

Calving or drawing proper calves

I am steaming because I was told by my drawing instructor that I NEVER draw calves right and that maybe I ought to study anatomy. Meanwhile half the class draws figures that look like malformed peanuts with arms and legs, and while I am not admittedly the best draughtsman in the world I never do anything wrong all the time. No one should teach a class who doesn't have supportive constructive advice for their students,not someone who tells them they ALWAYS do something wrong,especially in a drawing class. I will of course now take to my anatomy books and draw legs(especially calves) incessantly. My drawings henceforth will consist of nothing but legs with the odd breast thrown in now and again. I mean what's so bad about these calves( the only ones I could find a quick picture of) ? Admittedly not the best drawing in the world, but not completely terrible. And I must say I've drawn better examples in the past. I feel better now that I've got that off my chest. Just remember no one ever does something wrong all the time and be kind to your  trying very hard students.

Almost June

I can't believe almost a whole year has gone by since I retired! I've been really busy taking classes and rediscovering reading.sometimes I read 2 books a day!I haven't been painting as much as I should be, but that's about to change .I've been taking an online course with Kelly Rae Roberts,and some of the things she talks about are having intentions in art and in life,and rediscovering what your heart needs to hear, and giving yourself permission to do things, and telling yourself  you are allowed to do things, and one of the things I'm giving myself permission to do is to be a full time artist and writer.and something I'm allowed to do is to make my studio as user friendly and perfect for me at this time in my life,cause I don't know if I'll ever have a different studio,and that's okay- I'm lucky to have a little space of my own at all. I plan to publish before and after pictures of the studio soon, and maybe if I get really carried away of my house as well. I feel really motivated right now, and plan to spend a little time in there when I finish this. Here's a look at a some new and not quite finished paintings.till next time,brigid.p.s- some of the paintings may have printed more than once and some might not have printed.i'm not too good at this. Giving myself permission to make mistakes, and to learn more about this blog site in future. Cheers!