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| self portrait 2012 graphite on paper |
Hello hello- easter monday- also the title of one of my favorite dekooning paintings. if you don't know it, look it up- it's glorious, and today was a beautiful relaxing day, the weather was gorgeous and alex and i even went to church! pretty good for an atheist who believes that organized religion is responsible for alot of the misery in the world. i don't know why we went, it just seemed like a good thing to do on easter. i sat there, remembering the many childhood hours i spent in that very church, not feeling particularly spiritual, more like nostalgic, and kind of looking around me in wonder at the people who really believed all that stuff, and wondering if they even thought about it, or just did it out of habit- i probably think about it more than they do. i mean there's a part of me who really wants there to be a god, who wants to believe in jesus but there's another bigger part of me that believes that believing in god is like believing in santa claus- nice when you're six or so but absolutely out of the question once you become truly aware of being alive and all that it entails... i would love to believe in god, that there's a heaven just waiting for me up there in the clouds, as long as i'm a decent loving human being i.e. "a good person", but somehow i can't reconcile it with the reality of life as i've known it, and sadly, the facts point otherwise -to life as a kind of brief interlude of consciousness to which we are privy, after which the lights go out, and we return to wherever and whatever we were before we were born. is that just as ridiculous as believing in god? i guess i'll never know. for now though i have a life to live, and a present to enjoy as much as i choose to, and just lately i choose to enjoy it a great deal. cheers,brigid.
Wow, as I read this post it became so apparent to me that we really do think so similarly. I'm of the exact same mind when it comes to "religion". Possibly even god. Is there one? Who knows? If there is, and it's this god that the born agains are describing, then I'm going to be super pissed. Even Catholics. I don't want any part of a god like that; a god that prefers men to women, and punishes innocent babies for not being baptized, and I could go on and on. But I won't, because I can grow pretty tiresome on the subject.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I have been to church for the reasons you talked about. In search of peace... Just as a throw back to a holiday tradition... but guilt no longer factors into my reasons for going. I've let that go, finally. I'd like to go to my childhood church again, just to sit there and remember what it was like as a kid, remembering how confused I always felt with those unexplained questions, those long sermons in which I felt inexplicably that somehow I was being lied to. It boggles my mind how some people base their entire lives around "religion" yet do not really believe it all in their hearts as they claim. How could they, really? The very concept goes so completely against human nature that it's so obviously man's law, not an all loving, all knowing "god". Jesus was real, but many years of research has shown me that Jesus was more a political figure than a "holy" one. Yes, he was deeply philosophical, and a truly wise and learned person. So was Buddha. So was the Dalai Lama. But he was just a man. With a wife, and a child. He was executed, brutally, but for political reasons, not necessarily religious ones, unless you count religion mixed with politics, which seems to be the perfect storm that will eventually crumble the foundations of civilization itself. Wars have been fought for millenia, over religion and politics and the power that comes from both. I wonder if we will ever learn. In the meantime, I'll just live my little simplified life, and hope that someday mankind will wise up before our planet is destroyed. But here I am, going on and on again. I'm glad you had a lovely and peaceful Easter. I did too. My oldest daughter had an Easter brunch, and had a bunch of friends over for that. It was fun, although I missed my younger daughter, who had gone to her grandmother's house with her father. I'm hoping that someday soon I can make a trip up to NY, and we can philosophize and have long discussions about things, because one thing that seems to be a rarity in this part of the world, is the supply of like-minded people with which to have intelligent conversation. Till then, I content myself with reading. So much less controversial. ;)
Also, I had one of the best days I've had in years (and that is no exaggeration) when I met with my brother-in-law, and my charming nephew. Kathryn and Kristen both enjoyed them thoroughly as well. They had no idea I had such "cool people" in my family. I'm hoping that next time they can meet you as well. Happy Spring, beautiful!