december with a little bit of jauary

i'm actually blogging two days in a row- wow maybe depression is good for my creative juices because i"ve been artjournalling like mad and n0w this. i'm really going to try and live as if because i don't know what else to do and christmas is 3 days away and after this i'm off for 10 days, so i have to just get into it. i haveto down load more of my work i keep forgeting to do that and i'm repeating myself. also have to take more photos too and post them in my blog and on facebook . will be putting a couple of paintings in the snug harbor open show in january. still haven't heard anything about my one woman show so it's probably not happening. oh well there's always next year. i'm thinking ahead so that's a good sign.when you're depressed you can't think beyond the next minute never mind the nextyear. i think ican ithink ican scale these scary walls, cut through these grasping tentacles,avoid the knashing teeth,the blade ready to disembowel me, and get to the other side where there is hope and pride and love and tenderness. where there is warmth and peace and companionship, instead of this dark friendless room full of spirits that want me to fail, to fall flat on my face, to feel lonely and sad and hopeless. instead i choose to enter the room full of laughter and joy and people who love me for who i am, not who iam not and will never be, who love me in spite of myself warts and all.
there is so much good in the world in i can only stay alert enough to find it
there is so much love in the world if i can let down the wslls and let it in
there is so much i can do if i only give myself the power to do it
there are so manythings i can accomplish if i give
myself perrmission to be free if i can concentrate on these things evn some of the time i just might make it out of this moraass.

still december

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hello hello is there anybody out there? if i'm talking to myself that's okay too because i want to keep a journal of my life,such as it is. still depressed, living in a twilight world. i just got off the phone with the doctor who told me it would take awhile for the new drugs, theincreased dosage to kick in and who told me to try and enjoy christmas with my family and that she would see me again next week. it occurred to me that i may be holding on to my depression as a way of avoiding my life, as a way of making my self more interesting. . but even if that's true i still feel it, and can't shake it off like a wet dog shaking off the rain.no expectations says ian and you won't be disappointed ,but i don't want to live like that i want to have great dreams and expectations,and will take the inevitable disappointments if only i can climb out of this pit and learn how to dream again good night, merry christmas and may all our dreams come true,brigidtruetrue. see ya,brigid                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

december

hi y'all sorry it's been so long but i've been battling a serious depression, that's still hanging on. i used to suffer terribly from depression but i've been pretty good for awhile-until now. if you've never been seriously depressed it's hard to explain-it's physical and mental at the same time. it's debilitating and brutal and it makes you feel helpless and hopeless,like you'll never be happy again. everything seems to lose its meaning and things that you once loved seem useless,and the people that you love seem very far away. it's something you cannot control by keeping busy, or putting on a cheerful face, telling yourself to get over it and get on with life-it's just not that simple. you're suddenly standing on a precipice looking down, or held down beneath the ocean and you can't seem to breathe, or completely lost in a forest that's closing in on you, with no clue as to which way to go to get out. john lennon said "feel so suicidal even hate my rock and roll' and that's how i feel- i even hate my art and can't get motivated to do any thing much at all. i don't know why i'm feeling this way- i'd like to blame it on my side job which is sucking the life force out of me- certainly the art force because i'm finding it hard to do art piecemeal- i can't just turn it on and off like  a light bulb- i need to do it on a more consistent basis , but i don't think it's that simple. if i'm not depressed i can manage to do art and work at my job, not as much as i would like but it's okay. i hesitated about writing this because i wanted my blog to be upbeat, but i feel so down and don't know when i'll feel better so it's either post this or nothing .hopefully by the next time i write, i'll be feeling better.to infinity and beyond,brigid.